All The Fine Things You Leave Behind
by Senator Brett
It is. You know… it is the hardest thing.
I order for me to get everything together I have had to start at the beginning. The truth is… I lost almost everything I have ever written, whole books just gone. But, I have an email account. So, the books are there, somewhere… in all the mess.
So, I started going through all my sent emails. All of them. Every single one. I am up to 2007.
Here is what I have discovered so far…
1. I am not that great of a writer.
2. The best things that I have written… have been emails to a few friends and family. Not essays, not book things, just honest things to the people I love.
3. I can be a great friend.
4. I can be a horrible friend.
5. I have a ton of people in my life that love me.
6. I let those people down all the time.
7. My mom… does love me more than anyone else.
8. My sisters, all of them, Bretts and Mathews included… have been my strongest supporters of all time.
9. I can be a decent uncle/brother.
10. I can also be the worst uncle/brother.
Okay… here comes the hard part.
I have lived everything all over again. Just reading it… is a chance to relive it. You know what sucks? Watching myself fall in love… twice… and then watching it disappear. Watching myself go through an abortion… all over again. Watching my friend become an amazing person, who survived it all and is a way better person than I could ever hope to be. Watching myself say “goodbye” to people. Seeing myself re-connect with an old friend. Then the horrible day that the emails stopped because she left us way too early. Seeing old emails from the road… watching me find friends, Hack, Ed, who would become the basis for a thousand stories. Realizing how terrible I am… how Kim deserved so much better. Seeing the ticket from the Packers game… and seeing Ken bright-eyed and shit-grinning in the pictures that we sent that night. And, Jason… a ton of regret.
It sucks. It does. AND… it is freaking wonderful!!!
Because I’ve also found these things…
1. Random emails from my sisters telling me that they just loves me.
2. Art… all sorts of art. I have artistic friends, apparently.
3. I have some of the funniest friends ever. Chip… Jeremy… mind-blowingly hilarious.
4. An email from Adrian… about, of all things, a Spiderman reference… and how it was stupid but it made her think of me.
5. A few hundred pictures that I had forgotten.
6. My North Carolina friends… all of them.
7. Grace… from my mom… just grace.
Look, I know this does not matter. I know it is stupid. But… it is MY stupid! Thank you for your time.
Your Friendly Senator